I’m doing it all wrong today.
I should have gotten up hours ago, but I slept in long past my alarm, because this week has been a little more exhausting than I’d anticipated.
I should be taking a shower now, while the baby is still asleep, but instead I brought the computer into bed and am writing to you.
I should have brought in some books for Emmy to read while I’m writing, but I handed her the iPad instead and now she’s trying to figure out my password so she can buy more extensions to her favorite app. (It’s not happening. Don’t worry.)
Some days, though, we just need to do it “wrong”. Some days, we need to give ourselves grace.
I was in a terrible mood yesterday. When I woke up for the day, it was from an awful nightmare where I watched my son die in front of me and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I honestly haven’t had many dreams like that before, and it shook me up all day, making me more tired and impatient than usual. I felt like I just couldn’t get out from under the dark cloud I woke up under.
After I got home from Bible study last night, I could hear that Nathan was still awake. And though I shouldn’t have, I went into the kids’ room to see him. He got excited when I came in, like I knew he would (so much for sleeping!), so I picked him up and laid his head down on my shoulder as I prayed over him. I breathed in his still-but-almost-not-anymore baby scent and begged God to keep him here with me. We rocked back and forth like that for what felt like forever, me holding onto him like he could be gone at any time and I needed to soak up his little body in my arms as long as I could.
I have missed my mom something awful this week. Nothing in particular triggered it, I just miss her. Talking to her and listening to her and sharing life with her. Knowing how different life would be if she was here, and trying not to be bitter that she’s not. A few different friends have mentioned, totally innocently, things they were doing with their moms this week. Last weekend I watched a mom and daughter work together to set up the daughter’s booth at an event we attended. The mom had flown up from San Diego just to help for this event. She was so sweet. I had to walk away from them more than once to hide my tears.
I didn’t lose my son, I just had a nightmare while he slept peacefully down the hall. But I think somehow the possibility of one more loss hung heavy over me yesterday. I didn’t feel like I could handle it, if it were to happen.
I’ve lost a lot of things/people/dreams in my life already, and it feels like that’s been enough. Like I should be safe from the hard things for the rest of my life, because I’ve had enough already.
But I know it doesn’t work that way. Life is broken because our world is riddled with sin. Bad things still happen, and will continue to happen, to all of us.
But God will be victorious.
This is what I need to remember. The end has already been decided. He has already won. He has already created a place for us. In heaven. With Him. And so, terrible dreams or awful reality – neither is too much for Him. He is our safe place.
The other day, Emmy told me she was sad that I didn’t have a mommy anymore. Sad for me because I missed her. I told her I was sad too, but that I was also happy because I’d get to see her again in heaven one day. She perked up and said, “That’s a good idea, Mommy. And when we get to heaven, you and me, let’s go find Jesus and ask Jesus where your mom is. Cause Jesus knows where everyone is and He can take us right to her. Cause heaven is a big place, you know. But Jesus knows right where everybody is, cause He’s JESUS.”
(She encourages me so, that little girl. I love her.)
He knows right where we are.
Some days, we need more grace. Some days, it’s okay to take it all to God and say “I just don’t know what to do with all of this. I’m so sad about it. And I don’t see how it fits together. But I know You do. So will you please help me?”
So today I slept in, because my body needed more rest and so did my mind. (Clearly, since it paid no attention to my alarm.) This morning I write, because it helps me flesh things out so I’m not crazy all day with my kids. And right now Emily is watching Sofia and eating a granola bar for breakfast, so I pretty much rocked that one too.
But more than anything today, I will sit at His feet. I love that my crazy emotions are not too much for Him, and I love that He’s given us His Word to speak truth into our lives when we feel like we’re stuck in the places where things don’t make sense.
I love that He knows right where I am. And He’s given Himself to meet me here. Sacrificed His own son so that I could freely come to Him. I can’t even. I don’t know a love like that outside of our God.
And now I have to be done, because I’ve got a little girl begging me to go find a vine for her to swing on today (I’m not even joking), so we have to have a conversation about how we don’t live in a jungle like the one Princess Sofia is visiting, and I don’t really know of any vines in Sacramento.
But I just wanted to stop in this morning and remind you (and myself) of two things. That Emily’s right, and God knows just where we are. So wherever you are today, be there with Him. Take your hard things to Him. Let Him sort them out and fill your mind with Truth from His Word.
And also, some mornings it’s okay to be “wrong”. Sleep in. Hand out granola bars for breakfast. Get yourself the good coffee. Give yourself grace when you need it. Life isn’t perfect and you don’t have to be either.
Hang in there today, mommas. He loves you.